Love don’t live here anymore….

Okay I know its WACK as all hell

but I’ve moved even before I could really get into this blog – I am at

 Http://blaquepen.com/wobl

 update your blog rolls and come on over -I’ll get you a Drinky Drink.. we’ll have fun.

women, friends and trust

a girl and her NeNe, originally uploaded by raquita.

As a woman I have always had friend issues. Trust issues. Afraid of being back stabbed. Always hearing my name amongst whispers in the hallway. Being the brunt of name calling. Guys, never had a problem with the guys in school, in life, didn’t catch a whole lot of flack unless they happened to be with a girl who was into giving me shit.
And there were a few, a Jennifer , P.W., and a Trinette, who gave me more than enough grief in high school. Their names stained in my brain, faces stamped in my nightmares for years. I remember trying to figure out why, I was the target. What transgression I had inflicted, what had I ever done to them?
It never really mattered, if you asked them now, they probably couldn’t tell you what my crime had been. At work recently, a co-worker recalled a girl who she and her friends made fun of constantly – her transgression – her eye brows. How she chose to wear her eye brows. I am ashamed that I didn’t call her on why that was a justifiable offense, when she has a two year old daughter she is raising right now. And I wonder if my daughter will have to face her child, and defend something as trivial as her eyebrows. So alas maybe they can remember. But it doesn’t matter it just made it hard for me to trust women in general. Made me question anybody who had something to say that was nice or kind, I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting to hear what they really thought. There were days where I snapped and kept the line relatively drawn. There were subjects you didn’t touch. Days I just wasn’t in the mood.
And it didn’t hurt that I wasn’t small. I was 5’7” 150lbs and on the basketball team. I was fit, and not afraid of being physical. But self conscious and thought I was a blimp. But I wasn’t trying to be suspended. In my school suspension (i.e. days absent) reflected on your grades, and I didn’t have any grades or days to spare.
Then I met Candy.
We were Sophomores I think. She was in band. She was pretty. And Smart. And just as damaged as I was. She was church mouse quiet. But a blast to hang out with. She and the group of friends we quilted together Curtis, John, Candy, Myself, Johns girlfriend, later my boyfriend, and sister and my sisters friend who then became John’s second girlfriend.
And I remember this because I remember how that group of people, especially Candy got me through those last years of high school. And I remember how devastated I was when she walked away.
She got pregnant when we were in college together. She had actually left me long before that but she seriously stopped talking to me then. Our friendship as teetered off and on since then, most days me waiting for her to need me, miss me, call me. Me calling because I need her, miss her, and my God daughter. They live just far enough away that I can’t just stop by and take them to lunch. She’s had a second child. She’s still the smart one, still pretty, still the one I look at with wonder. The distance by car seems to equal the one in our relationship, long when you think about it, but actually kinda short once you drive it.
I mention all of this because my currently best friend, Spoken, blogs too, she will read this when I post it to wordpress, I have mentioned her in many a post, good ones, and not so good ones. But she is my ace. There no matter what. Our friendship has been stretched, pulled, and pushed, taken its lumps but she is still here.
We are fundamentally different, yet the same. I feel safe in our friendship. She’s got to cut down the cursing with my kid around. And I think my kid picked up “Stupid ______!!!” from her. Which caught my attention when it was “stupid mommy”. But other wise…
I don’t believe she is just going to disappear. In the beginning I did. But slowly, surely, we have crafted something, solid, that will not simply be put away. For me it was simply a matter of wanting a friend more than I wanted to not be hurt. Things happened at all the right times I guess. I had recently had it out with Candy about the state of that friendship. And I had come to peace with it. Misunderstandings were understood, and I came to accept what she could offer me as my friend, and let go of what we used to be to each other. So when Spoken came, actually she was given to me, I was alright with the relationships with the other women in my life. My mother and I are closer than we have been since I was – shoot twelve. I am so close to my Aunt. My sister is my hands down absolute BEST FRIEND on the planet, the way your sister should be, in that cheesy TV sitcom kinda way. But Spoken she came and gave me what I was missing. Someone who honestly chooses to be your friend. And if I were to die tomorrow, I believe Spoken would be there to tell Cammy who I was. In ways that Jerry and my sister would not think to say, she would remember the things I would want Cammy to know, that I don’t know to tell anyone so they know.
And I the post I’ve linked to previously Spoken talks a little bit about how hard it is to share thing with me, because she values my opinion, and doesn’t want to disappoint me. That she envies my life and my relationship with my family.
What she doesn’t know is as much as I love my life and I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
I envy hers as well.
Spoken is honestly one of the most honest – at least when she’s being honest with her self – brutally honest people I know. My mother is the only other person I know who doesn’t even own gloves to take off, that’s how real they keep it.
She is honorable. And she has this awesome work ethic I hope she helps me instill in Cammy. She is smart. And talented. She speaks several languages, plays classical cello, and is single and free to do anything and go any where. She wasn’t afraid to leave her family and go. My biggest wish is that she trusted me enough to play for us.
But I envy her freedom, not in a I would trade what I have for it, but – I wish I had it too – way.
The funny thing is she’s seen my yard up close, she knows where the brown spots are and how much work it takes to keep my grass green. Its grass, my special mix of grass seed that works for my yard. Granted I use a special fertilizer, made by that family she envies. But its no greener than any other yard. And I know the grass is not greener in her yard. I’ve seen hers up close, its green, just not greener than my grass. She makes my grass greener.
So what I want to say to you Spoken, is ours is not to envy as individuals, because you have been instrumental in my world it would not be what it is with out you, and I hope yours with out me.
Yes I want you to relax and be happy and have fun, because I remember what it was when I was in your exact place, and regret is not something I want you to find after you settle down. My regrets are few and very far between, mostly because I chose to live! and I am still trying to hold that choice close to me. Enjoy the life you have been blessed with, ENJOY it. You do not get extra time later. Today is what you will remember tomorrow.
This is what scares me for you, if I was ever to be disappointed, that would be why. If you live and die with regrets – real ones not the silly ones we spot in the middle of the night over Greys reruns, that would make me sad. Make it count, Spoken.

just another manic monday

It has been a emotional weekend for me.

Granted I may just be hormonal. But never the less. J and I have been seriously discussing our future plans. How we feel about the way our life has progressed up to this point as a couple and where we would like to be in the future. Most regularly the topic of a second child has come up. My family keeps calling asking if I am pregnant with number 2.

No. I am not.

J asked if I was trying to get pregnant.

No. I am not. And I was kind of insulted he would think that. Glad he would ask if he was thinking it, but still. I barely know how we are going to do the things for Cammy I want to do, let alone how we can swing a second kid. J and I see saw back and forth on this topic daily. We both do want a second child, we both worry that we will be short changing the new child, Cammy and our relationship if we decide to take that step, at least if we take it now. So timetables for when we want to do what and what a second child will mean for our marriage, and relationship separately as well as collectively are being drawn and rehashed and redrawn and reevaluated. Cause this time I don’t think I’ll have the luxury of grandma at home with the baby. So that means day care, and strangers with my kid, and by then Cammy will be in school. So we are talking tuition in addition to day care fees.

Then there is home, and the house, and cars, and work and jobs, and Jerry’s writing, and my art, and countless other things to consider. I tend to forget that J and I are newlyweds. We’ve only been married a year and we don’t get to do a lot of the cute newly married couple things. At least they don’t happen automatically we have to make a concentrated effort to BE newlyweds. And in the midst of being parents we tend to forget to do those things. And another child means risking falling further down the list of priority. We never had a reception, never had a house warming, never celebrated our union with our family and friends. We celebrate each other, which we did very well this weekend I might add, and now with the house renovation underway I worry that we won’t remember the small moments that hold us together.

Funny thing is, I never really wanted the wedding part, I was extremely happy with whisking away to marry even though now, I wish I had done the wedding here just so J’s family could have been more involved. But there are no do-overs, and no guarantees. So I am looking at this house renovation as a chance for us do some bonding together. There is something very comforting about working next to him, pouring over ideas and paint swatches. Building things, our life. I tend to feel confident in our ability to do things around the house because I guess I feel like with him I can do anything. So replacing moldings and sealing brick walls, feels like childs play. You give me a do it your self book and a few videos from DIY TV and I’m tellin you I would be alright installing the new bathroom. He makes me feel that confident that we can do it, I wish I instilled that kind of confidence in him.

Anywho… Grey’s in Four days….

Unsure…

I’m not sure how I feel about the possible switch to word press. I like to change too much too often to be restricted to templates. Shoot if you got photoshop you should use it right? (I’m working on a new blog for me and Jerry and a friend now) so for now – I think I’ll be dual posting at both the wordpress and here. Although that may be a tad bit annoying. It must be done.
At least while I figure out exactly what I want to do for a blog, I’m thinking about using my http://blaquepen.com domain as a base for a full wordpress blog, and not use the one they host. I’m still researching. I’ll let you know how it goes.
Still workin on the house. I need a lamp so I can work after dark. and more time. There is never enough time.

Copa-  I’m with you man, if you need to veg out tonight and watch some greys with us, come on by,
Sarah- you totally rock, your mommyness is inspiring
13 – girl we gon get this party started right
Aeshema/Benticore – I love you.

Spoken – I’m only dual posting for you gyrl…

St. Louis has a taste weekend?

Okay there are few things I love more than Food, and Art, and food as art, and food and music and art.

On Sept 29th and 30th Taste of St. Louis is going down.

Yea!!!!!

I didn’t even know St. Louis had a Taste weekend. I always went or wanted to go  Chicago for the taste the weekend of the 4th. And while Nelly is a Major sponsor, I’m trying to let that bring my opinion of him up, not my opinion of the event down.

One day I’ll have to post my Nelly post.
Cause he totally lost me after that whole Tip Drill video. Totally. And I wonder how he can look at his momma and grandmother, and how they can be okay with something like that. Cause I would BEAT MY SONS ASS, fo real if he did some mess like that. Fo’real, fo’real. If you can’t make a living and respect me and yourself and your community and you daughter (cause he has one) then you need a new job.
Nelly, is a decent guy. I know people who know him, his children, his children’s mothers, his family. They are good people. But being a good person does not excuse you from your responsibility as an role model and presence in the media of Black America, whether that weight is fair or not, it is a part of his role, and his desire to be a celebrity. And running a credit card down a woman’s ass in a music video is disgusting. And a man who would think that is okay for mass media presentation would not be welcome to date my daughter.

Any who  Let me stop before I will have posted that Nelly post after all.

Go to the taste, check out the sight. I’ll be there.

Yea!!!!!

I’m bringing sexy back

What is for you cannot be un-for you
-friend of Chookooloonks

Hi all. Its been a lil while since I really posted – posted. And unfortunately now is not gonna be the time I really get my post on. And I’ve missed ya’ll. Things have been moving along at a rather brisk pace. Working on the house. Working on myself, working on the marriage.
Working on watchin ALL SIX DISCS of Grey’s anatomy.
Yeah baby, life is truckin along.
My kid is talking up a regular storm.  Whole sentences and statements. Repeating everything. I am learning to be very mindful of not only what I say around Cam, but what other people say around her.
I could mention how wonderful my husband is but I can’t have you ladies plotting on stealing my man, he’s that good.
We had to tell a friend that they had to totally clean up the language. She was just too much all the time, and that is just not gonna work for the shortie.
Making plans, following through.
What’s up with you guys? I’ve been reading you all through google reader, and the only down side to using it is that I can’t comment from that screen. So I tend to leave fewer comments – but know that I am there and I am rooting for you!
Anybody hot under the collar about that whole target selling bra type shirts for six year olds?
How about the newly documented pressures of 1st grade? Are we parents doing too much pushing the schools too hard?
I’m on the waiting list for day care, and while I never planned on being one of those parents, I can’t really say that I’m surprised that I am one of those parents.

And while I am screaming for better images for my daughter I am jamming out to Justin Timberlake. Right, no one will take me seriously.

Derrty baaaaaaby… I’ll let you spank me if I misbehaaaaaave…..

I love that song.

Episodes 6-10

Whew. It has been a long week, and I didn’t get everything I wanted to get done, done. Which sucks.
Vacation that didn’t exactly rejuvenate. But just gave me more goals.
Which was a mixed sucking.
I did A LOT of painting. And wood cutting, and spent too much on the painting and wood cutting but hey- gotta do, right?

Lucky me.

But I did spend the week with my kid, which was a mixed blessing. She thought I was staying home for good, she just couldn’t grasp the whole vacation idea, so she threw a monster fit this morning when I left for work.
However I did get a lot of work done. Even if it wasn’t everything I wanted it to be. We got Cammy’s room completely painted, and the molding cut (I just have to attach that one last piece.) her play room is painted, just gotta finish the base boards, and do the accents. I found chalk board paint and magnetic paint. So I got the stuff to make the frames for the walls. Jerry got a lot done as far as the hall way, we did get the whole plaster face removed from the brick wall, and most of the paint removed from the base boards, the rest of that happens tonight cause I have to return that tool tomorrow.
Spent the remaining portion of last night watching Grey Anatomy reruns. A friend go the DVD a bit early and brought us a disk. So we watched all five episodes.

Sweet.

Back to Cammy. We got to do a lot of learning play. We did a lot of flash cards, and numbers and letter work. She is a pro at brushing her teeth, she wants to do it like a zillion times a day, I let her at least three of four times. She’s totally talking way more than before. Asking a ton of questions about everything.
We played at the garden and the park. I think we are gonna make our way to the butterfly house and carousel in the near future. And possibly back to the science center this week.

Pictures of the transformation of the house coming soon.

Tomorrow is Grey Day. The Season two DVD release. I can’t hardly wait to have my OWN copy in my grubby little hands so I can veg out and watch all the extra features and all the extras and all the episodes I didn’t catch the first time around, I’ve already seen two I hadn’t seen before.

I’ve changed because remembering is not enough

It was one of those days where you can measure life in before and after it.
I was just stepping into womanhood before.
I met Jerry after. Had Cammy after.
Life was more complicated before.
After it is easy to cherish every day. Love every moment.
Let down walls, respect people.
Forget stereotypes.
Listen.
Pray.

vacation is a trick statement

imgp7237_edited
Originally uploaded by raquita.

Running around too willy nilly right now – will post soon! Untill then here is my wonder child!

One and one equals

wonder twins
Originally uploaded by raquita.

Friends.

I got a chance to hang with Jaelithe and her wonderful family at the festival we always seem to run into each other at. And what a wonderful family they have.. and they were so together.. once I blog how totally out of it we were you will understand why I was so in awe of a mom who remembers the diaper bad. yeah it was that kind of day.

Issac is a joy to be around. they kind of yin and yang, Cammy is fearless, as J pointed out but issac is more calm, and sometimes calm would be nice. And and a family unit they were jsut the cutiest. Did I mention her husbands shirt was a few levels of awesome.

but Jaelithe is the kind of mom i always aim to be. Thoughtful and so aware of him. her are a few pictures until I can actually blog my long arsed day.