just another manic monday

It has been a emotional weekend for me.

Granted I may just be hormonal. But never the less. J and I have been seriously discussing our future plans. How we feel about the way our life has progressed up to this point as a couple and where we would like to be in the future. Most regularly the topic of a second child has come up. My family keeps calling asking if I am pregnant with number 2.

No. I am not.

J asked if I was trying to get pregnant.

No. I am not. And I was kind of insulted he would think that. Glad he would ask if he was thinking it, but still. I barely know how we are going to do the things for Cammy I want to do, let alone how we can swing a second kid. J and I see saw back and forth on this topic daily. We both do want a second child, we both worry that we will be short changing the new child, Cammy and our relationship if we decide to take that step, at least if we take it now. So timetables for when we want to do what and what a second child will mean for our marriage, and relationship separately as well as collectively are being drawn and rehashed and redrawn and reevaluated. Cause this time I don’t think I’ll have the luxury of grandma at home with the baby. So that means day care, and strangers with my kid, and by then Cammy will be in school. So we are talking tuition in addition to day care fees.

Then there is home, and the house, and cars, and work and jobs, and Jerry’s writing, and my art, and countless other things to consider. I tend to forget that J and I are newlyweds. We’ve only been married a year and we don’t get to do a lot of the cute newly married couple things. At least they don’t happen automatically we have to make a concentrated effort to BE newlyweds. And in the midst of being parents we tend to forget to do those things. And another child means risking falling further down the list of priority. We never had a reception, never had a house warming, never celebrated our union with our family and friends. We celebrate each other, which we did very well this weekend I might add, and now with the house renovation underway I worry that we won’t remember the small moments that hold us together.

Funny thing is, I never really wanted the wedding part, I was extremely happy with whisking away to marry even though now, I wish I had done the wedding here just so J’s family could have been more involved. But there are no do-overs, and no guarantees. So I am looking at this house renovation as a chance for us do some bonding together. There is something very comforting about working next to him, pouring over ideas and paint swatches. Building things, our life. I tend to feel confident in our ability to do things around the house because I guess I feel like with him I can do anything. So replacing moldings and sealing brick walls, feels like childs play. You give me a do it your self book and a few videos from DIY TV and I’m tellin you I would be alright installing the new bathroom. He makes me feel that confident that we can do it, I wish I instilled that kind of confidence in him.

Anywho… Grey’s in Four days….